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Have you ever felt like something exciting is waiting for you right around the corner? That’s the feeling I have lately, I even smiled today, my face cracking under the strain. I realized it was the first time I had smiled in a long time. The question I have is; if this is paradise, then why am I not happy? Why has it been so long since I have smiled? The realization that I am not entirely satisfied with my existence is nowhere near as devastating to my ego than the realization of the reason behind such dissatisfaction. The realization that I am not a whole person without Naomi by my side only took about 50 years to come to a head. I wonder if she feels the same way? Perhaps I am about to find out.
I’m putting my affairs in order, quietly giving to Dan my most precious Shangri-la mementos. He looks at me with those knowing eyes, understanding more than what he says. I will definitely miss him, his thoughts, ideas and the knowledge he extols. I have finished the memorial stone and have decided to take it with me, when I go. I haven’t worked up enough courage yet to initiate my journey. That’s how I think of it, a journey. A journey to find the one I love, to seek her out wherever she may be, and to live with her until the end of our days, together, as one. I hope she’ll have me. I hope she is still out there.